![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
dear diary, this story i'm going to share now is filled with sorrow and pain. it pierces through my heart like a thousand thorns and my mind is haunted with it. do you know what family means? it means everything to me. from young, it has been my main source of strength, a constant pillar that stands sturdy in the midst of my ever changing environment as i grew up. our family unit is one, bonded and firm.
one week ago at this very same time i was busy with school work, typing and chatting, bustling here and there. how motivated i was to complete my readings, assignments, blah blah. after all the hustle and bustle, i wanted to have an early night to have a good start for my week. but somehow, i felt this urge to upload photos from my camera to the computer. as i was looking through my photos and almost done, there was a tap on my door. i went out to take a look and saw my dad in the kitchen taking a drink.
he told me he couldnt sleep due to a terrible headache and asked where were the elements for holy communion. i helped him find it and said i would take together with him. we sat down and prayed in the living room. i took the cups and washed it in the kitchen before returning back to my room. my dad turned on the television and said he wanted to calm himself down before sleeping. as i was chatting on msn in the room, this urge to go out and accompany him came over me. i normally wouldnt have but somehow i did.
he was in the living room testing his blood pressure as he normally does. i took a look and it said 158. it wasnt a good sign and i suggested a trip the hospital. he said there wasn't much point because it was too late and hospitals would just keep him under observation. he said he would go the next morning. i wanted to call and inform my mother who was on holiday in Penang but he asked me not to as he did not want to worry her.
so i sat around and talked to him and found out that he was having a headache since friday and he wasn't feeling very well these few days. he asked me to look for aspirin in his closet and so i did, i brought out his entire bag of medications. he finally found aspirin and popped one into his mouth. after awhile, he continued measuring his blood pressure and it remained high, ranging from 150-170. we decided to go to the hospital and i went to my room to change clothes. after that i went to his room to help him pack up clothes to bring to the hospital.
we went to the living room one more time and he sat down on the sofa to drink water. as he wanted to put down the cup, he gave a choke, looked at me and collapsed to his side on the sofa breaking the cup on the ground. he gurgled a little as i stood grounded to the floor. adrenaline rushed through me suddenly as i went forward and shouted 'pa are u okay? are u ok?' his fingers were tense and his body felt tensed too. i grabbed the phone and had to struggle to think properly what to do. when i finally remmeberd to dial 995, my body was trembling so bad and i couldnt even bring myself to look at my dad.
i told the lady my address and she told me to bring him to the floor to do CPR. by then, the cup that broke on the floor had shattered pieces around and i didnt know if i could put him on the floor without hurting him. i really didnt want to touch him because i was soooo scared but i knew i had to. i had to carry him down to the floor, put my hands on his chest and pump. as i did it, i really didnt want to look at his face. it was so scary to see the dad that i love in that state. to personally see life literally ebbing away slowly slowly while i could do absolutely nothingg. i could smell a stench of his vomit and i was so sure that i was going to faint. the person on the line kept asking me to check his pulse by putting my ear at his nose. i really really didnt want to go that close but i HAD to. so many HAVE TOs that i had to do and my body trembled immensely. the ambulance people took 15 mins to come and by then i was freaking out. i left them to try to revive my dad while i took the phone and dialled my mum's number. i jus screamed to her ' dad fainted and he is not breathing anymore mum, come back now mum come back'. her voice sounded extremely calm and asked me to calm down and that she'll make a few calls for me.
i followed the ambulance people down and got on the ambulance while they continued to revive my dad. a journey never felt so long in my life and my trembling would not stop. i came to find out why at the hospital when they took my temperature that i was running a fever. they pushed him into the emergency room while i was asked to wait in the waiting area. i was then joined by karen and esther ah yi who helped me call for more help. the wait in the room was torturous and long, i felt terrible from the fever and could not breathe properly from the crying.
the first time the doctor came in to update us, he said that the pulse and signs of life are very very weak. i couldnt even bear to hear the report and covered my ears whenever the doctor came in. after about 2 hours, they finally revived him and brought him to do a brain scan.
another hour or so i was brought into the emergency room where the neurosurgeon briefed me and my brother about the situation and we both jus broke down on the spot. pastor matthews brought me and my brother to pray for my dad but i just kept crying and crying. they brought my dad into the icu where he still is in today. my story for today ends here because i really don't know how to carry on in this physically and mentally exhausted state.
bottom line is no matter what i went through, my dad will wake up because there are just too many people who love and care for him. the amount of people he has impacted and touched are just far too many and so many unfinished businesses to handle. he HAS to wake up and be a living testimony to the Lord. i believe and so will he.
WAKE UP PA, ITS TIME TO COME HOME.
one week ago at this very same time i was busy with school work, typing and chatting, bustling here and there. how motivated i was to complete my readings, assignments, blah blah. after all the hustle and bustle, i wanted to have an early night to have a good start for my week. but somehow, i felt this urge to upload photos from my camera to the computer. as i was looking through my photos and almost done, there was a tap on my door. i went out to take a look and saw my dad in the kitchen taking a drink.
he told me he couldnt sleep due to a terrible headache and asked where were the elements for holy communion. i helped him find it and said i would take together with him. we sat down and prayed in the living room. i took the cups and washed it in the kitchen before returning back to my room. my dad turned on the television and said he wanted to calm himself down before sleeping. as i was chatting on msn in the room, this urge to go out and accompany him came over me. i normally wouldnt have but somehow i did.
he was in the living room testing his blood pressure as he normally does. i took a look and it said 158. it wasnt a good sign and i suggested a trip the hospital. he said there wasn't much point because it was too late and hospitals would just keep him under observation. he said he would go the next morning. i wanted to call and inform my mother who was on holiday in Penang but he asked me not to as he did not want to worry her.
so i sat around and talked to him and found out that he was having a headache since friday and he wasn't feeling very well these few days. he asked me to look for aspirin in his closet and so i did, i brought out his entire bag of medications. he finally found aspirin and popped one into his mouth. after awhile, he continued measuring his blood pressure and it remained high, ranging from 150-170. we decided to go to the hospital and i went to my room to change clothes. after that i went to his room to help him pack up clothes to bring to the hospital.
we went to the living room one more time and he sat down on the sofa to drink water. as he wanted to put down the cup, he gave a choke, looked at me and collapsed to his side on the sofa breaking the cup on the ground. he gurgled a little as i stood grounded to the floor. adrenaline rushed through me suddenly as i went forward and shouted 'pa are u okay? are u ok?' his fingers were tense and his body felt tensed too. i grabbed the phone and had to struggle to think properly what to do. when i finally remmeberd to dial 995, my body was trembling so bad and i couldnt even bring myself to look at my dad.
i told the lady my address and she told me to bring him to the floor to do CPR. by then, the cup that broke on the floor had shattered pieces around and i didnt know if i could put him on the floor without hurting him. i really didnt want to touch him because i was soooo scared but i knew i had to. i had to carry him down to the floor, put my hands on his chest and pump. as i did it, i really didnt want to look at his face. it was so scary to see the dad that i love in that state. to personally see life literally ebbing away slowly slowly while i could do absolutely nothingg. i could smell a stench of his vomit and i was so sure that i was going to faint. the person on the line kept asking me to check his pulse by putting my ear at his nose. i really really didnt want to go that close but i HAD to. so many HAVE TOs that i had to do and my body trembled immensely. the ambulance people took 15 mins to come and by then i was freaking out. i left them to try to revive my dad while i took the phone and dialled my mum's number. i jus screamed to her ' dad fainted and he is not breathing anymore mum, come back now mum come back'. her voice sounded extremely calm and asked me to calm down and that she'll make a few calls for me.
i followed the ambulance people down and got on the ambulance while they continued to revive my dad. a journey never felt so long in my life and my trembling would not stop. i came to find out why at the hospital when they took my temperature that i was running a fever. they pushed him into the emergency room while i was asked to wait in the waiting area. i was then joined by karen and esther ah yi who helped me call for more help. the wait in the room was torturous and long, i felt terrible from the fever and could not breathe properly from the crying.
the first time the doctor came in to update us, he said that the pulse and signs of life are very very weak. i couldnt even bear to hear the report and covered my ears whenever the doctor came in. after about 2 hours, they finally revived him and brought him to do a brain scan.
another hour or so i was brought into the emergency room where the neurosurgeon briefed me and my brother about the situation and we both jus broke down on the spot. pastor matthews brought me and my brother to pray for my dad but i just kept crying and crying. they brought my dad into the icu where he still is in today. my story for today ends here because i really don't know how to carry on in this physically and mentally exhausted state.
bottom line is no matter what i went through, my dad will wake up because there are just too many people who love and care for him. the amount of people he has impacted and touched are just far too many and so many unfinished businesses to handle. he HAS to wake up and be a living testimony to the Lord. i believe and so will he.
WAKE UP PA, ITS TIME TO COME HOME.
Oh man time does fly, what a cliche but it can't be more true. In a month's time I'll be stepping into a whole new season of my life. It's still feels surreal that I'll be entering the last studying instituition in my life and after that it's a whole new story already. I've never thought of what would happen after school life, it didn't occur to me that it would come anytime soon. But there you go, just four more years to the start of life in the real world out there. In fact, I feel that going into smu IS like stepping out into the real world already. Full of uncertainties and insecurities because of the new environment and harsh personalities.
This year has got to be the fastest year ever because these 7 months have come and gone like a flash. A few flashes ago I was leaving seconday school for VJC. Then, I was studying like I never did in my entire life for A levels. Then I experienced a relationship I never had and cried my eyes out like I never did in my life. Those were just a flash ago and the speed at which time flies just freaks me out right now. But look where I am today, sculptured and moulded into the person that I am today. Grateful for all the pains and heartaches I've been through in the past because now I finally catch a glimpse of what people call- life. I know SMU holds much more laughter, pain and heartaches but I'll look forward to it with an open heart because I just know it'll shape me up so that I can face the real world bravely in four years. I'm making a mental note to come back here to read this entry after I graduate from SMU in four years. Think it'll be interesting. (and to the future amelia, please don't forget the innocence and simplicity you once had. SMILES) okay this is weird. haha.
This year has got to be the fastest year ever because these 7 months have come and gone like a flash. A few flashes ago I was leaving seconday school for VJC. Then, I was studying like I never did in my entire life for A levels. Then I experienced a relationship I never had and cried my eyes out like I never did in my life. Those were just a flash ago and the speed at which time flies just freaks me out right now. But look where I am today, sculptured and moulded into the person that I am today. Grateful for all the pains and heartaches I've been through in the past because now I finally catch a glimpse of what people call- life. I know SMU holds much more laughter, pain and heartaches but I'll look forward to it with an open heart because I just know it'll shape me up so that I can face the real world bravely in four years. I'm making a mental note to come back here to read this entry after I graduate from SMU in four years. Think it'll be interesting. (and to the future amelia, please don't forget the innocence and simplicity you once had. SMILES) okay this is weird. haha.
- Mood:
busy
If only life were as simple as a dance, a waltz. A constant pillar of support, a partner.
He steps foward, she steps back. He twirls her, she turns around him.
A life that's full of rhythm, melody and poise.
Everyone in unison, harmony and grace.
Following the rise and fall of the song, their bodies form an art so lovely, so divine.
He caresses her hand so tenderly, she wraps her body around her pillar.
Together they conquer all the odds that may cause them to stumble.
Floating along the bed of roses, life so sweet.
Swift as a hurricane, soft as a feather.
Alas, such life is but a dream.
A bird in the trees or a storm in the distance
Is all it takes for their eyes to lose their focus.
Twirling and whirling, they start to stumble.
Eyes no longer on each other, heart no longer as one.
Her skirt flows around with such beauty
But there they go, twirling beyond the speed of return.
Before you know it, the world's a blur.
And the pillar of focus they once had, disappeared.
The howling of wind, loud and resounding.
Disaster! Who can save this hopeless fate?
Just when they touched the point of no return,
Suddenly the music starts to play.
The music was always there like a river flowing,
When did they let the wind part the river?
They close their eyes, detatching themselves from this desperate world.
Reminiscing the joy that once filled their soul.
With eyes opened once again,
Their focus once more restored.
Ah, Life IS but as simple as a dance.
We take we give, we forgive we forget,
All we need is that constant,
And if we ever need one,
THANK GOD - We just look towards the horizon.
He steps foward, she steps back. He twirls her, she turns around him.
A life that's full of rhythm, melody and poise.
Everyone in unison, harmony and grace.
Following the rise and fall of the song, their bodies form an art so lovely, so divine.
He caresses her hand so tenderly, she wraps her body around her pillar.
Together they conquer all the odds that may cause them to stumble.
Floating along the bed of roses, life so sweet.
Swift as a hurricane, soft as a feather.
Alas, such life is but a dream.
A bird in the trees or a storm in the distance
Is all it takes for their eyes to lose their focus.
Twirling and whirling, they start to stumble.
Eyes no longer on each other, heart no longer as one.
Her skirt flows around with such beauty
But there they go, twirling beyond the speed of return.
Before you know it, the world's a blur.
And the pillar of focus they once had, disappeared.
The howling of wind, loud and resounding.
Disaster! Who can save this hopeless fate?
Just when they touched the point of no return,
Suddenly the music starts to play.
The music was always there like a river flowing,
When did they let the wind part the river?
They close their eyes, detatching themselves from this desperate world.
Reminiscing the joy that once filled their soul.
With eyes opened once again,
Their focus once more restored.
Ah, Life IS but as simple as a dance.
We take we give, we forgive we forget,
All we need is that constant,
And if we ever need one,
THANK GOD - We just look towards the horizon.
- Mood:
artistic
the bed, computer, toilet and television have practically been my life these days. how much more boring can life get? oh yah, only dance actually adds some colour to it. if not, I'll just be at home slacking, not willing to even get out of the house. I don't know why but somehow I have lost interest in leaving the house. In the past, I would NEVER stay at home for 2 days in a row. But now, I can stay home for 4 days in a row without feeling anything. Oh, what is wrong with me?
I always wonder why people like to publicise their blogs to everyone, because I for one am not for it. Somehow it feels weird if everyone, whether I'm close to them or not, gets to read my thoughts and life. Well, if the blog purely contains superficial information about what I've been doing lately and all then I guess it's good if people read and get updated about my life. But what I don't understand is the people who write their deepest darkest feelings and still allow others to freely read it. And when things start to go wrong because too many people know about it, the blogger feels even worse and blogs even more about it. Well, is this a way to ensure that you'll constantly have things to blog about? Or is this a path for constant drama to find it's way into your life? Sometimes, I really don't fully get it. I guess the perspectives about blogging is different.
I so want to get a DSLR for my birthday!!! PLEASE MUM GET IT FOR ME. I have this sudden interest for photography. I want to travel to places to take pictures, but I don't mind starting by travelling around Singapore. I just feel that photographs can really speak so much to a person, and it is actually a very powerful communication tool. Like, feelings and emotions can be spread through photographs and I have so much inside me that I want to give. Oh wells, I guess it might be due to the boring life I have now that I have such a desire.
DANCE. I really feel that one should dance with the correct motives. Come to lessons with the correct objectives. If not, it'll just be an insult to dance. It's such a turn off when people come for dance to : flirt with girls, get their numbers, prove that they're better than others, etc. Most importantly, you shouldn't come to dance just because someone else is. I don't know how to put it in a better way, but basically, always be sincere in what you do. I really don't get the constant politics happening, I don't get all the weird guys that come for dance for all the wrong reasons. Argh, why is it that such a simple relaxing club should turn out not as simple? I want things simple, I'm so tired of the complicated-ness of things, and life basically. I need an escape. Like seriously. And that's definitely not by cooping myself up at home.
Indulging in korean dramas again. It's not healthy for the soul. It's addictive, it's not realistic, it drives us girls crazy. But, I am so addicted to it. Kim Hyun Joong (:
사랑밖에 난 몰라 (I know nothing else but love)
I always wonder why people like to publicise their blogs to everyone, because I for one am not for it. Somehow it feels weird if everyone, whether I'm close to them or not, gets to read my thoughts and life. Well, if the blog purely contains superficial information about what I've been doing lately and all then I guess it's good if people read and get updated about my life. But what I don't understand is the people who write their deepest darkest feelings and still allow others to freely read it. And when things start to go wrong because too many people know about it, the blogger feels even worse and blogs even more about it. Well, is this a way to ensure that you'll constantly have things to blog about? Or is this a path for constant drama to find it's way into your life? Sometimes, I really don't fully get it. I guess the perspectives about blogging is different.
I so want to get a DSLR for my birthday!!! PLEASE MUM GET IT FOR ME. I have this sudden interest for photography. I want to travel to places to take pictures, but I don't mind starting by travelling around Singapore. I just feel that photographs can really speak so much to a person, and it is actually a very powerful communication tool. Like, feelings and emotions can be spread through photographs and I have so much inside me that I want to give. Oh wells, I guess it might be due to the boring life I have now that I have such a desire.
DANCE. I really feel that one should dance with the correct motives. Come to lessons with the correct objectives. If not, it'll just be an insult to dance. It's such a turn off when people come for dance to : flirt with girls, get their numbers, prove that they're better than others, etc. Most importantly, you shouldn't come to dance just because someone else is. I don't know how to put it in a better way, but basically, always be sincere in what you do. I really don't get the constant politics happening, I don't get all the weird guys that come for dance for all the wrong reasons. Argh, why is it that such a simple relaxing club should turn out not as simple? I want things simple, I'm so tired of the complicated-ness of things, and life basically. I need an escape. Like seriously. And that's definitely not by cooping myself up at home.
Indulging in korean dramas again. It's not healthy for the soul. It's addictive, it's not realistic, it drives us girls crazy. But, I am so addicted to it. Kim Hyun Joong (:
사랑밖에 난 몰라 (I know nothing else but love)
- Mood:
bored - Music:사랑밖에 난 몰라
oh crap, this is a bad position to be in. j always thought my mind was quite made up on going to smu business but after going for nus open house, I really wanna go nus! plus plus I wanna stay in nus snb club :( however, nus business is sort of not very reconized and apparently everyone ask me to go smu. ntu is definitely OUT of the question cus I can't stand the quietness of the campus. travelling there would also literally take my life. please lord give me a sign, smu? nus?
but no matter what I am gonna dance in whichever campus I go to. I just can't stress enough how addicted I am to dance now. despite the aching muscles and excruciating pain on my feet, I still love it!
oh and I realize my birthday falls on the last week of dance, don't know if I should go. but it's not like I have any plans for my birthday. kinda don really wanna celebrate it anyway cus I'm already in denial that I'll no longer be 18. boohoo. I wanna be 18 FOREVER!! the best age to be.
I notice I just keep going on about dance, shall talk about camp! went back for bball training camp on tues and wed and honestly I have no idea how I actually survived my training camp last year. totally horrendous haha. I'm glad I went back as a senior though cus I can do whatever I want. and it's so nice playig with my team mates again, I prefer playing in this setting without any pressure of competition and jus purely having fun. hope we'll do it again soon. the seniors went on our night adventure as soon as our juniors went to bed. we climbed up to the roof top by some unorthodox method, and boy was it beautiful to see the stars. :) it was kinda dangerous cus yilin stepped onto some air con vent which gave way and scrarhed her thigh quite badly. anyway we sat under the stars and started sharing secrets and all, mostly coming from liying and joce. yup, glad I went back though it was tiring.
right, judging from the length of my post, you'll probably know how bored I am at work, haha. how interesting can a PRUDENTIAL talk be?
oh ya, met up with shiyang yesterday for lunch. I know right, weird is the word. well I guess it was alright considering the past, I never thought I'd be speaking comfortably and all to him but I think I've really grown so much to put aside things and move on in life. I wouldn't have imagined us to be like this 6 years ago, I would have prolly freaked. but now he's really a friend whom I can talk to and that's good. I'm glad he has a great girl as well :)
amelia is totally enjoying her singlehood. I was just reflecting the other day and I realize how carefree I am these days. I don't think I wanna give up this freedom and happiness anytime soon, totally enjoying these days. lonely it may be at times I must admit, but I guess there is always a trade off. I'd rather be lonely at times then go through drama once again which is so emotionally draining. there, the words of brave amelia once again :)
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
here I am again super bored at work listening to a talk by aia and so I shall type some stuff here. well my a level results came out already and I am satisfied with it although there's a C for chemisty but we all know how sucky my science is. seriously, my results have been hovering between S, E and D for the past two years that I kind of lost all hope for getting any As for my a levels but thank god anyway, so now it's just a matter of choosin a course that I want and actually getting in. it's gonna be a busy week of applications for uni and scholarships. busy busy busy as usual.
I already forsee my weekend to be totally hectic once again. ntu and nus open house plus dance on both days plus church on sunday plus work on sat night... is it even possible to squeeze so many things? we shall see.
yay, my bro is coming for dance this Sunday! everyone misses him like crazy so finally he can dance and us siblings can do a dance tgether. But the bad part is that I'm always left with no partner. argh what's wrong with the guys man, nobody wants to dance with me :( BUT, this week alvin came! woohoo so finally I confirm everytime got partner. hopefully he'll stop skipping and come so that I don't get left on the shelf haha. this week we start to do close hold and honestly I'm quite uncomfortable standing SO close to guys. yesterday luckily only danced with alvin whom I feel quite comfortable with but if with other random guys ( that is if they pick me ), think I'll just freak out. :( oh wells. regardless, amelia is so addicted to samba now!! weekend please come soon!!
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
right now I'm having an event at the rock but since there's nothing for me to do I shall type something here. I was reading through the entries that I wrote and it feels as though it was another person typing it. well I know I was supposed to write back on the conclusion of that story but unfortunately I couldn't bring myself to, guess I didn't have the mood to actually write out the unhappy ending. all I can say is that it was an unhappy ending that even till now we have not said a single word to each other, not on the phone, not on SMS, not even on msn. but I think there's nothing to say anymore as pictures speak a thousand words and boy have I heard from him.
anyway he is so yesterday to me already and i'm leading a new and better life. been occupying myself with work the rock, saving up money. been faithfully meetin up with my girls and i'm thankful to have them. started my Latin dance classes which I am so totally enjoying, especially looking forward to dance with the super pro seniors :) just feel that the music sorta heals my soul or something haha and waltzing with the senior dancers makes me feel floaty and all and I don't think about the unhappy stuff. hmm what else occupies the life of amelia now? initially it used to be clubbing but now I just don't feel like anymore cus it only reminds me of him. been starting to attend youth service again, although it's a little weird right now cus I don't know a lot of people. just started reading through financial reports and all in preparation for smu interviews! and results are out this fri!!!! omg. how fast is that? smu smu smu, please let me get in...
actually I don't have anything to type anymore but the talk now is so boring that I don't wanna listen to it! oh man I'm so so slack, I'm such a waste of resource haha.
anyway anyway, let time quickly pass!! dance lessons later tonight woohoo (:
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
countdown : 1 day to korea trip. I just have this feeling it'll be a trip to remember. I think it'll be a dramarama trip with all the happenings going on. I know tears will definitely flow but I know these are just inevitable events that have to come to pass. No matter what the conclusion is, I just thank God for a good 1 year and that during this whole period I did feel like the luckiest girl on Earth and the lousiest girl on Earth at the same time. I mean the sweet times were really good, it made me feel this could last. And for the first time in my life I actually felt the sweetness of love (:
Of course I will not forget the endless tears every night for the past week or so. It's not everyday that I come across something that makes me land in tears every single night. The nights where I cried till I choked and became breathless, the nights where i had to lock my doors and cuddle up in my bed muffling my cries so my parents cannot hear, the nights where I just couldn't sleep and imagining him having a better life without me. Looking back at this week, it feels surreal that such sadness could actually overcome me over such matters but at least I know this has been a memorable first love. Although I think the ending wouldn't be a nice one, in fact a horrible one but I will choose to remember the good times and erase the unhappy ones. This is me trying to be optimistic and trying to psycho myself so that I will not break down during the trip where I'll have to face him 24/7 when I've not really talked to him for the past week.
I feel so funny sometimes, at times I feel like I've figured out everything and that I just accept the fact that he has lost feelings for me but at times the thought of it breaks me. I kind of lost all confidence in myself already. Like I feel like I'm not pretty enough, not fun enough and not worthy enough for love. I mean I gotta slowly build it back up but I doubt I'll ever feel confident anymore. He just broke down all my self-pride, self-worth and basically everything that I believed in myself for. Yes, I know I should not let a guy affect my life that much but there you go, at least I can tell myself truly that I really put my whole feelings into a relationship before. I've done all I could to make it work and it still didn't which there's nothing more I can do anymore I guess.
Right now, I kind of want to pretend all these unhappiness didnt happen and have one last Korea trip as what we thought of a few months back. I mean even if it's all pretence I want one last thing to remember this relationship and I really hope he could just pretend with me. 3 months back we could not wait for this day to come but now that it's finally here he probably doesnt look forward to it anymore. But what I want to get out of this is the feeling that I've spent 7 whole days with the person I love (or loved) and I want to keep this memory forever. If there is anything I would want to remember about Gerald, it's that we spent our last days having a ball of time. I want these 7 days to cover up the hurt that I might feel later on so that whenever I think of the trip, it'll help to numb the pain just a little. Well, my thinking seems twisted I know but there you go, this is the best I can do. Let time heal I guess? And I need to seriously stop getting affected when I see his pictures plastered all over facebook with girls. That's my resolution.
This'll be the first place I'll come when the news comes. Just wait for it.
Of course I will not forget the endless tears every night for the past week or so. It's not everyday that I come across something that makes me land in tears every single night. The nights where I cried till I choked and became breathless, the nights where i had to lock my doors and cuddle up in my bed muffling my cries so my parents cannot hear, the nights where I just couldn't sleep and imagining him having a better life without me. Looking back at this week, it feels surreal that such sadness could actually overcome me over such matters but at least I know this has been a memorable first love. Although I think the ending wouldn't be a nice one, in fact a horrible one but I will choose to remember the good times and erase the unhappy ones. This is me trying to be optimistic and trying to psycho myself so that I will not break down during the trip where I'll have to face him 24/7 when I've not really talked to him for the past week.
I feel so funny sometimes, at times I feel like I've figured out everything and that I just accept the fact that he has lost feelings for me but at times the thought of it breaks me. I kind of lost all confidence in myself already. Like I feel like I'm not pretty enough, not fun enough and not worthy enough for love. I mean I gotta slowly build it back up but I doubt I'll ever feel confident anymore. He just broke down all my self-pride, self-worth and basically everything that I believed in myself for. Yes, I know I should not let a guy affect my life that much but there you go, at least I can tell myself truly that I really put my whole feelings into a relationship before. I've done all I could to make it work and it still didn't which there's nothing more I can do anymore I guess.
Right now, I kind of want to pretend all these unhappiness didnt happen and have one last Korea trip as what we thought of a few months back. I mean even if it's all pretence I want one last thing to remember this relationship and I really hope he could just pretend with me. 3 months back we could not wait for this day to come but now that it's finally here he probably doesnt look forward to it anymore. But what I want to get out of this is the feeling that I've spent 7 whole days with the person I love (or loved) and I want to keep this memory forever. If there is anything I would want to remember about Gerald, it's that we spent our last days having a ball of time. I want these 7 days to cover up the hurt that I might feel later on so that whenever I think of the trip, it'll help to numb the pain just a little. Well, my thinking seems twisted I know but there you go, this is the best I can do. Let time heal I guess? And I need to seriously stop getting affected when I see his pictures plastered all over facebook with girls. That's my resolution.
This'll be the first place I'll come when the news comes. Just wait for it.
- Mood:
determined
this is shit crap. these 2 days are the longest days ever for me. We've not contacted each other at all for 2 days already and I feel sucky already. I'm such a useless creature. I texted him yesterday at this time " your heart is no longer with me anymore right? " and till now I've not gotten a reply yet. At first I was worried something happened to him which made him not reply but apparently he replied my mum when she texted him. And so I know he is avoiding the question.
To make matters worse, I accidentally deleted him on msn the night before. I noticed there were two of his contacts in different groups so I wanted to delete one of it. But deleting one actually deletes both and so it ended up deleting both. I was like WTH? I added him back but obviously he wouldnt add me back. This is so shit. Why can't we just go back to how things were in the past? Why is he so cold recently? Like these past 2 months or so. Everyone around me is telling me negative stuff about such behaviour but I don't know why I choose to want to hear it from him exactly what is wrong. My mum says I shouldn't keep making myself unhappy when he is out there having his own share of fun and doesn't even care how I feel. Yeah it's true but it's not something I can actually control. Like in the wee hours of the morning like now, everytime I lie on the bed, I just keep thinking and thinking and these thoughts wouldn't stop. Like I keep asking myself what on earth happened?
I just wish i could rewind everything and go back to 2-3 months earlier when everything was rosy and sweet. When we happily talked about the Korea trip and planned how much fun we would have together. I mean I still wish for that now, but somehow it seems hard. I don't know why he just suddenly doesn't like me anymore. WHY SO RELATIONSHIPS SUCK SO BAD. They pull you from heaven right into the pits of hell. It's a hell of an emotional roller coaster ride and this being my first serious relationship, it's not something I've experienced before. The constant tears-welling-up-your-eyes feeling whenever you hear people around tell you there's no point in carrying on with him as he doesnt treat me right. This is mixed with my stubborness deep down inside that actually this thing could still work, although I have absolutely no idea how.
I know no matter the outcome of this situation, I will walk out a different person. It just depends how different.
To make matters worse, I accidentally deleted him on msn the night before. I noticed there were two of his contacts in different groups so I wanted to delete one of it. But deleting one actually deletes both and so it ended up deleting both. I was like WTH? I added him back but obviously he wouldnt add me back. This is so shit. Why can't we just go back to how things were in the past? Why is he so cold recently? Like these past 2 months or so. Everyone around me is telling me negative stuff about such behaviour but I don't know why I choose to want to hear it from him exactly what is wrong. My mum says I shouldn't keep making myself unhappy when he is out there having his own share of fun and doesn't even care how I feel. Yeah it's true but it's not something I can actually control. Like in the wee hours of the morning like now, everytime I lie on the bed, I just keep thinking and thinking and these thoughts wouldn't stop. Like I keep asking myself what on earth happened?
I just wish i could rewind everything and go back to 2-3 months earlier when everything was rosy and sweet. When we happily talked about the Korea trip and planned how much fun we would have together. I mean I still wish for that now, but somehow it seems hard. I don't know why he just suddenly doesn't like me anymore. WHY SO RELATIONSHIPS SUCK SO BAD. They pull you from heaven right into the pits of hell. It's a hell of an emotional roller coaster ride and this being my first serious relationship, it's not something I've experienced before. The constant tears-welling-up-your-eyes feeling whenever you hear people around tell you there's no point in carrying on with him as he doesnt treat me right. This is mixed with my stubborness deep down inside that actually this thing could still work, although I have absolutely no idea how.
I know no matter the outcome of this situation, I will walk out a different person. It just depends how different.
- Mood:
blank
Say your sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to.
As I pace back and forth
All this time cause
I honestly believed in you.
Holdin' on
The days drag on
Stupid girl I should have known, I should have known.
That I'm not a princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now it's to late for you and your white horse to come around.
Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes,
and never really had a chance.
my mistake, I didn't know to be in love
you had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings, well now I know...
That I'm not a princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,
lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now its too late for you and your white horse to come around.
And there you are on your knees.
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me.
Just like I always wanted but, I'm so sorry.
Cause I'm not your princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm gonna find someone some day, who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world.
That was a small town, there in my rearview mirror disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your white horse...
Its too late for you and your white horse to
catch me now.
Oh, Oh,Oh,
Try and catch me now ohh
Its too late
To catch me now
My boyfriend treats me like crap. Why are all the couples around so happy while here I am crying every single night thinking why the hell I'm going through all these? My boyfriend doesn't even care about me. It's all about himself and his friends. He's just an attached person leading a single life. While here I am just trying to hang onto whatever I can. What a stupid fool. Having said that, it's not like I can give up just like that. I've been trying to let go for a few weeks now, somehow after a few days I end up missing him like mad. I know I need to get a break from him, there's no more point in this one sided relationship. It started this way, and I guess it'll end this way soon again. For now I can say anything till our Korea trip is over and this is totally killing me. All my bottled up feelings trapped inside are turned into tears that seem to be a daily affair now. On the bus, the mrt, walking home, walking in a crowd, i feel the tears well up and they fall. Right now in my room, my tissue box is being used up so fast. I really want all this to stop.
Everytime I say to myself give him some time, he'll come around. But everytime I see him, it just crashes all hopes and I'm left sadder than before. I don't feel any reaction from him anymore when I hold his hand or put my head on his shoulder. I can't feel any feelings coming from him anymore. It's just pure indifference. I came into this relationship knowing that most likely I'm the one who would have more feelings for the other, but I never knew it'd be so hard. and I never knew how fake this is. He obviously isn't into me anymore, why am I still holding on persistently?
This is depressing shit I know. and there I go crying again. This guy is just robbing too much of my tears.
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to.
As I pace back and forth
All this time cause
I honestly believed in you.
Holdin' on
The days drag on
Stupid girl I should have known, I should have known.
That I'm not a princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now it's to late for you and your white horse to come around.
Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes,
and never really had a chance.
my mistake, I didn't know to be in love
you had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings, well now I know...
That I'm not a princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,
lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now its too late for you and your white horse to come around.
And there you are on your knees.
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me.
Just like I always wanted but, I'm so sorry.
Cause I'm not your princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm gonna find someone some day, who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world.
That was a small town, there in my rearview mirror disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your white horse...
Its too late for you and your white horse to
catch me now.
Oh, Oh,Oh,
Try and catch me now ohh
Its too late
To catch me now
My boyfriend treats me like crap. Why are all the couples around so happy while here I am crying every single night thinking why the hell I'm going through all these? My boyfriend doesn't even care about me. It's all about himself and his friends. He's just an attached person leading a single life. While here I am just trying to hang onto whatever I can. What a stupid fool. Having said that, it's not like I can give up just like that. I've been trying to let go for a few weeks now, somehow after a few days I end up missing him like mad. I know I need to get a break from him, there's no more point in this one sided relationship. It started this way, and I guess it'll end this way soon again. For now I can say anything till our Korea trip is over and this is totally killing me. All my bottled up feelings trapped inside are turned into tears that seem to be a daily affair now. On the bus, the mrt, walking home, walking in a crowd, i feel the tears well up and they fall. Right now in my room, my tissue box is being used up so fast. I really want all this to stop.
Everytime I say to myself give him some time, he'll come around. But everytime I see him, it just crashes all hopes and I'm left sadder than before. I don't feel any reaction from him anymore when I hold his hand or put my head on his shoulder. I can't feel any feelings coming from him anymore. It's just pure indifference. I came into this relationship knowing that most likely I'm the one who would have more feelings for the other, but I never knew it'd be so hard. and I never knew how fake this is. He obviously isn't into me anymore, why am I still holding on persistently?
This is depressing shit I know. and there I go crying again. This guy is just robbing too much of my tears.
- Mood:
depressed - Music:White horse - Taylor Swift
Love is all around in the air. Friendship is such a treasure. To all friends out there, I LOVE YALL! Well firstly got to thank every single person who gave me pretty gifts and letters! I can't really name all of you all but I'm so grateful for everything (:
I just wanted to say that Mel and Cal did an excellent job in the Friendship dance competition. Even though we came in second, I bet our dance was the most impactful.
Thank you my special someone for your flowers. Sugar sweet of you! At least you made up for your absence on Valentine's Day.
Today has been a great day. I won $90 in Black Jack. YAY-ness. I love TODAY!
Time for bed, tomorrow is Cross country day and CHINGAY. It's such a "c" day. All the best to everyone running, especially me.
I just wanted to say that Mel and Cal did an excellent job in the Friendship dance competition. Even though we came in second, I bet our dance was the most impactful.
Thank you my special someone for your flowers. Sugar sweet of you! At least you made up for your absence on Valentine's Day.
Today has been a great day. I won $90 in Black Jack. YAY-ness. I love TODAY!
Time for bed, tomorrow is Cross country day and CHINGAY. It's such a "c" day. All the best to everyone running, especially me.
- Mood:
grateful - Music:Valentine - Martina Mcbride
YAY. Happy Birthday to Chew Peng! (: Had yummy delicious chocolate cake this morning because it was Chew Peng's birthday. Other than that, it has been a tiresome day. Slept in Econs for supposedly 20 minutes. I swear it only felt like 2 minutes.
Had gym, played some mahjong at Aunt Mildred's house and helped my brother lose money haha. After which, dinner at some place near Simpang Bedok was quite nice too considering that all I ever ate today was just duck noodle. And now, I'm faced with another AQ to do. Why oh why are there so many AQs aye? We need IQ and EQ but not AQ man. BOO.
It's going to be a busy week. Let me see, there's training tomorrow and Biology tuition right after that. Thursday is.. SIGH (sadly) Valentine's Day. Yes, everyone should be excited about it. At least I think I have a movie to look forward to with the team. But I really hope that day passes quickly. Friday is Cross Country! SHUDDERS. And after that is the Chingay Pre Parade where I'll have to stand for hours. It doesn't stop there, there's training on Saturday, and then the real Chingay Parade after that. Sunday is Church day and wow, Tuition day too. My week just can't get any busier, or can it? Well, at least I'd be preoccupied and not miss my someone. Haha.
Okay, any volunteers for my next AQ?
"Landry decribes marriage as a social contract, founded upon practicality and obligation, while Morse argues that it arises out of instinctive impulses. Which is a more accurate reflection of marriage in your country? They also express their concerns about the direction in which marriage is evolving. To what extent are these concerns valid in the context of your country?"
ARGH. I'M NOT EVEN MARRIED!
Had gym, played some mahjong at Aunt Mildred's house and helped my brother lose money haha. After which, dinner at some place near Simpang Bedok was quite nice too considering that all I ever ate today was just duck noodle. And now, I'm faced with another AQ to do. Why oh why are there so many AQs aye? We need IQ and EQ but not AQ man. BOO.
It's going to be a busy week. Let me see, there's training tomorrow and Biology tuition right after that. Thursday is.. SIGH (sadly) Valentine's Day. Yes, everyone should be excited about it. At least I think I have a movie to look forward to with the team. But I really hope that day passes quickly. Friday is Cross Country! SHUDDERS. And after that is the Chingay Pre Parade where I'll have to stand for hours. It doesn't stop there, there's training on Saturday, and then the real Chingay Parade after that. Sunday is Church day and wow, Tuition day too. My week just can't get any busier, or can it? Well, at least I'd be preoccupied and not miss my someone. Haha.
Okay, any volunteers for my next AQ?
"Landry decribes marriage as a social contract, founded upon practicality and obligation, while Morse argues that it arises out of instinctive impulses. Which is a more accurate reflection of marriage in your country? They also express their concerns about the direction in which marriage is evolving. To what extent are these concerns valid in the context of your country?"
ARGH. I'M NOT EVEN MARRIED!
- Mood:
grumpy - Music:Hate That I Love You - Rihanna feat Ne Yo
Had a great chinese new year service today at the indoor stadium with Pastor Mark preaching. Though it was kind of tough listening to him while the translator was interrupting him after every sentence, but some of his analogies were quite interesting. This year is the year of manifested blessings, I just realised that one of my prayers just came true but there's still a second part to it which i pray so dearly that it would be fulfilled. Right now, that's probably the most important thing to me.
Anyway there was a video gathering at Bee Kien's house today which was in some super ulu place in Changi Village. It was fun playing saboteur and almost always being in the losing team. I have a confession to make. I skipped tuition classes today. Shush. Haha but my mom knows about it and told me to just enjoy my New Year, still feel guilty though. OH WELL.
I'm feeling tired but there's still AQ to do, left over from last week because I didn't hand up.
"In the context of modern society, Allen argues that the future is bleak while Blakemore believes that there are reasons to be optimistic about life. Which author's views do you find more convincing?"
Yup this is my AQ. Anyone in the world possibly wanting to help me do this? Haha GUESS NOT! So I'm off to end this dismal night with AQ.
Anyway there was a video gathering at Bee Kien's house today which was in some super ulu place in Changi Village. It was fun playing saboteur and almost always being in the losing team. I have a confession to make. I skipped tuition classes today. Shush. Haha but my mom knows about it and told me to just enjoy my New Year, still feel guilty though. OH WELL.
I'm feeling tired but there's still AQ to do, left over from last week because I didn't hand up.
"In the context of modern society, Allen argues that the future is bleak while Blakemore believes that there are reasons to be optimistic about life. Which author's views do you find more convincing?"
Yup this is my AQ. Anyone in the world possibly wanting to help me do this? Haha GUESS NOT! So I'm off to end this dismal night with AQ.
- Mood:
sleepy - Music:What Hurts The Most - Rascal Flatts
Yes! You might not believe it but I am back to post! OMG right? It's just this sudden urge to start typing stuff again and I promise I'll try my bestest to keep posting. It's a new year and I hope a new start for everyone. Time for some serious resolutions and time to start keeping them till next year. YA RIGHT! haha.
Chinese New Year has been a not-so-bad affair this year, like it has always been but just lacking a little something which I'm not sure what. Well, for one thing, we only visited my fathers' side relatives and not my mom's so that's probably the reason. And this year there's this new craze in my family and we've been playing 'in between' for the three days we've been in Malaysia. Surprisingly, it can get quite noisy and heart-pumping due to uncertainty of the game itself. But it was a great 'family' thing to just sit around and laugh at each other and LOSE/WIN money. I wish everyday was CNY day so we can just sit back, relax and do family stuff everday. It never gets boring with me and my family around! Weeelll, MOST of the time I guess.
Right, so this year has been rather okay so far but I expect it to get more SIAN as the days pass and the A levels draw nearer. Then we'll start to get all the not-so-needed reminders from teachers and parents, but let's not get ahead of ourselves and stop thinking of the work that is awaiting me. Optimism, Perseverance, Faith, Hard Work happens to be the theme for this year and yes, Amelia can get through this.
ROAR. Someone dear has left to Europe today and will be greatly missed. Please let twelve days pass in a flash. Hope you have a great trip and be back soon.
good night world. Amelia will be back to update. SHE WILL.
Chinese New Year has been a not-so-bad affair this year, like it has always been but just lacking a little something which I'm not sure what. Well, for one thing, we only visited my fathers' side relatives and not my mom's so that's probably the reason. And this year there's this new craze in my family and we've been playing 'in between' for the three days we've been in Malaysia. Surprisingly, it can get quite noisy and heart-pumping due to uncertainty of the game itself. But it was a great 'family' thing to just sit around and laugh at each other and LOSE/WIN money. I wish everyday was CNY day so we can just sit back, relax and do family stuff everday. It never gets boring with me and my family around! Weeelll, MOST of the time I guess.
Right, so this year has been rather okay so far but I expect it to get more SIAN as the days pass and the A levels draw nearer. Then we'll start to get all the not-so-needed reminders from teachers and parents, but let's not get ahead of ourselves and stop thinking of the work that is awaiting me. Optimism, Perseverance, Faith, Hard Work happens to be the theme for this year and yes, Amelia can get through this.
ROAR. Someone dear has left to Europe today and will be greatly missed. Please let twelve days pass in a flash. Hope you have a great trip and be back soon.
good night world. Amelia will be back to update. SHE WILL.
- Mood:
accomplished - Music:When You're Gone - Avril Lavigne
i've been getting so much counselling and pep talks these few days that i feel almost tired of it all. i know i shld be studying hard, i should have the drive to work hard for promos cause its SUCH an important thing. i know all of these, but why don't i feel the urge to do so? it's something i've nv really felt cause normally when the exams come, i'll just study hard for it. but now, its like this 'give up' attitude of mine that i can never do well just overwhelms me and stops me from moving on. plus, the fact that i hardly am good at anything eg. basketball where i kinda totally suck at the moment. i don't have anything niche area to put my hopes on. arghh so irritating. so unfair. rants.
mid year results are just sooo screwed right now. it's not that i didnt expect it to be considering the amount of effort that i was willing to put into it but it's just that when the real results come back to me that i feel that i'm not exactly prepared to handle such a big change. i feel that i could have done better and yet i know for sure that at that point of time, i wouldnt have studied more actually. so it's this total mess of feelings of remorse and yet, indifference?
at least what i know is that i say out what i truly feel instead of covering it up with half truths to make others feel better. i don't think that people shld lie about these stuff and put on a great and MARVELLOUS show. i mean whats the point? why cant everyone just be real for once? is that just a way of riding on me and destroying my confidence to bring urselfs up? are there seriously true friends out thr anymore who would just be plain frank about stuff? it doesnt help hiding behind masks and then revealing it again one day, it just puts people off. i hope i'm not the only one who feels this way, if not its really hopeless case where everyone is this way.
if only there's a mode whereby these complains can be completely released from my mind and thrown somewhere far away. should i just go poly? but then again whats the point? everywhere is like that isnt it? where so many things are lies or half truths that you somehow lose a way of even differentiating the truth and half truths. its just that we need to learn to live in this world like that and rely on someone more powerful than any of us. i dont wana resign to 'fate' without even trying to survive in my fast growing and expanding world.
leaving for malaysia tmr, mayb it's good to get to another environment to reflect on things happening lately. hopefully by the time i'm back i see the clearer picture of life and all. see u world.
at least what i know is that i say out what i truly feel instead of covering it up with half truths to make others feel better. i don't think that people shld lie about these stuff and put on a great and MARVELLOUS show. i mean whats the point? why cant everyone just be real for once? is that just a way of riding on me and destroying my confidence to bring urselfs up? are there seriously true friends out thr anymore who would just be plain frank about stuff? it doesnt help hiding behind masks and then revealing it again one day, it just puts people off. i hope i'm not the only one who feels this way, if not its really hopeless case where everyone is this way.
if only there's a mode whereby these complains can be completely released from my mind and thrown somewhere far away. should i just go poly? but then again whats the point? everywhere is like that isnt it? where so many things are lies or half truths that you somehow lose a way of even differentiating the truth and half truths. its just that we need to learn to live in this world like that and rely on someone more powerful than any of us. i dont wana resign to 'fate' without even trying to survive in my fast growing and expanding world.
leaving for malaysia tmr, mayb it's good to get to another environment to reflect on things happening lately. hopefully by the time i'm back i see the clearer picture of life and all. see u world.
- Mood:
moody
such a long time since i updated, like two months already.
how's jc life for you? many have asked and many i have answered: not as well as i had expected. i mean besides the company i now have in school, nothing else is exceptionally nice anymore. and the thought that mid years are coming up really soon just scares me, because i guess the tutors are all eyes on me cuz i'm an APPEAL student. sighs. there's this biasedness against appealed students that make everything we do not up to standard. well, i just have to say that i cannot get over that fact YET because i do NOT like to be discriminated or whatsoever, it just isnt fair. well, i admit i'm just a LITTLe slack at times but you know what? i'm trying alright, i really am ok. so like just get off my back alright.
and its just a little sucky when ur a little different from others and sometimes i dont really like ppl to think of me as inferior though i think that of myself. all the comforting words and encouragement of course are out of concern but it just reminds me of how sucky things have been. now i can understnad the feelings of some ppl in sec 2, maybe this is for the better of things? so that i dont always take things for granted and think that things will ALWAYS work to my advantage but rather i should cherish every opportunity and work hard to hold onto them.
seems like everytime i blog i'm just ranting, because i only blog when i feel like penning down the bottled up thoughts. cuz the relief that i get after doing so gives me enough incentive to blog haha. other than that, i feel its really weird to just blog cuz i'm basically going through the same old stuff in life. so i guess it'll be some time before i'll start coming here to rant again. i hope never but its quite impossible huh.
anyway on a lighter note, BESTEST OF LUCK TEAM! whizz through round 1 alright! wei chu, woosh. and of course i hope dance gets gold with honours! cuz results aint out yet. (: yay ok. gd night ppl.
(oh ya, i think i'm really suitable for h3 bio hahaha. s34 shld know why. just a random thought.)
how's jc life for you? many have asked and many i have answered: not as well as i had expected. i mean besides the company i now have in school, nothing else is exceptionally nice anymore. and the thought that mid years are coming up really soon just scares me, because i guess the tutors are all eyes on me cuz i'm an APPEAL student. sighs. there's this biasedness against appealed students that make everything we do not up to standard. well, i just have to say that i cannot get over that fact YET because i do NOT like to be discriminated or whatsoever, it just isnt fair. well, i admit i'm just a LITTLe slack at times but you know what? i'm trying alright, i really am ok. so like just get off my back alright.
and its just a little sucky when ur a little different from others and sometimes i dont really like ppl to think of me as inferior though i think that of myself. all the comforting words and encouragement of course are out of concern but it just reminds me of how sucky things have been. now i can understnad the feelings of some ppl in sec 2, maybe this is for the better of things? so that i dont always take things for granted and think that things will ALWAYS work to my advantage but rather i should cherish every opportunity and work hard to hold onto them.
seems like everytime i blog i'm just ranting, because i only blog when i feel like penning down the bottled up thoughts. cuz the relief that i get after doing so gives me enough incentive to blog haha. other than that, i feel its really weird to just blog cuz i'm basically going through the same old stuff in life. so i guess it'll be some time before i'll start coming here to rant again. i hope never but its quite impossible huh.
anyway on a lighter note, BESTEST OF LUCK TEAM! whizz through round 1 alright! wei chu, woosh. and of course i hope dance gets gold with honours! cuz results aint out yet. (: yay ok. gd night ppl.
(oh ya, i think i'm really suitable for h3 bio hahaha. s34 shld know why. just a random thought.)
- Mood:
pessimistic - Music:somewhere over the rainbow
i'm alone at home and just wanted to post some thoughts.
you know, distance between people are really relative. can u imagine being in the midst and still miles apart from them? u totally can feel the presence and warmth but somehow it just seems like its an illusion, like nothing of it is actually there. it's just something u yearn for, something u want to feel that u think that it's real. how is it possible to tell this distinctively? i mean u feel that everything's normal but righhht deep inside, it's empty. how near is near and how far is far? how much further to drift before i disappear into the crowd of strangers?
why does every step i take feel so heavy, so burdened with worries and anxiety? questions and questions but no definite answer. there're plenty of happiness i experience everyday but it's one small problem that erases all those from mind and engulfs those memories away. it's true we all focus on that small problem instead of the many many successes, but what am i to do? it's human nature and i happen to be one of em, ain't my choice.
and how does true love exist in friendships when just something called "time" could wash away the friendship we once had. what's all this with " we shared something special, and it'll be kept with us forever.." when a little hurdle blocked out this entire promise we make. maybe it's this irony that keeps us going on, spurring us to keep finding maybe one exception that could probably overcome the "time" barrier. is this constant search something we call the purpose of life? like wth? it's just so wrong.
well sounds exciting the way i blog huh, don't worry i'm fine. it's just the expression of well kept thoughts that i cant help spilling out now. phew, well it makes me feel better than i expected after spilling some of these thoughts. do remember these are from one who is currently soo bored at home alone.
you know, distance between people are really relative. can u imagine being in the midst and still miles apart from them? u totally can feel the presence and warmth but somehow it just seems like its an illusion, like nothing of it is actually there. it's just something u yearn for, something u want to feel that u think that it's real. how is it possible to tell this distinctively? i mean u feel that everything's normal but righhht deep inside, it's empty. how near is near and how far is far? how much further to drift before i disappear into the crowd of strangers?
why does every step i take feel so heavy, so burdened with worries and anxiety? questions and questions but no definite answer. there're plenty of happiness i experience everyday but it's one small problem that erases all those from mind and engulfs those memories away. it's true we all focus on that small problem instead of the many many successes, but what am i to do? it's human nature and i happen to be one of em, ain't my choice.
and how does true love exist in friendships when just something called "time" could wash away the friendship we once had. what's all this with " we shared something special, and it'll be kept with us forever.." when a little hurdle blocked out this entire promise we make. maybe it's this irony that keeps us going on, spurring us to keep finding maybe one exception that could probably overcome the "time" barrier. is this constant search something we call the purpose of life? like wth? it's just so wrong.
well sounds exciting the way i blog huh, don't worry i'm fine. it's just the expression of well kept thoughts that i cant help spilling out now. phew, well it makes me feel better than i expected after spilling some of these thoughts. do remember these are from one who is currently soo bored at home alone.
- Mood: pessimistic
yup postings today and it was SAJC for me. but appealed back to vjc today so that means all the more i gotta train train train HARD.
anyway today when i went to SAJC to transfer out, went with henry and kejing, i was wearing the vj pe shirt. so when we walked into the canteen all the sa ppl were like "waa vj ah vj ah?" and making fun. then saw jingfeng and josheen who was in my SA og group. oh man i wanna go sa orientation jus to play play but cant. ): boo.
there was this earthquake and so everyone in the school had to evacuate to the school field. even the canteen vendors!! and everyone was like waiting in the field, expecting something. haha. but as usual nothing happened if not it'll be in the news right? anyway some of them were having SPA and had to evacuate halfway to they can discuss the answers! and in the end the school got to be dismissed immediately cuz they wanna check the building structure. soo gd.
don't think i'll have an og group tomorrow cuz they probably wouldn't have gotten my name in the list so i guess i'll jus crash somewhere tmr. hehx.
anyway today when i went to SAJC to transfer out, went with henry and kejing, i was wearing the vj pe shirt. so when we walked into the canteen all the sa ppl were like "waa vj ah vj ah?" and making fun. then saw jingfeng and josheen who was in my SA og group. oh man i wanna go sa orientation jus to play play but cant. ): boo.
there was this earthquake and so everyone in the school had to evacuate to the school field. even the canteen vendors!! and everyone was like waiting in the field, expecting something. haha. but as usual nothing happened if not it'll be in the news right? anyway some of them were having SPA and had to evacuate halfway to they can discuss the answers! and in the end the school got to be dismissed immediately cuz they wanna check the building structure. soo gd.
don't think i'll have an og group tomorrow cuz they probably wouldn't have gotten my name in the list so i guess i'll jus crash somewhere tmr. hehx.
- Mood:
weird
let's observe a minute of silence for rui hua. yup though i don't know her but there's this tinge of sadness. well as everyone says, life goes on. and yes i've realized the fragility of life.
just imagine the tsunami victims. it didn't feel real about the loss of lives to me mainly because it wasn't so close to home although it was massive. but this one life whom was like actually from my secondary school, it feels more real. and now i can just imagine the grief of those whose lives were lost no matter in the 911 incident, tsunami or hurricane katrina, etc.
the shock of the student population when the news was announced was like.. wow? everyone just sat silently in their places staring into space. i mean like at least i think so cuz i was doing almost that. one day she's here and the next day she's not. oh lord bless her.
well anyway last day of feb. time for some updates. joined bball, had tiring trainings but this is just the start. andddd hopefully chew peng comes to join me (: pass my econs test whee and hoping to pass my enzymes test as well. currently motivated to study hard, play hard and SLEEP hard!
time so read some articles and sleep. nitey.
PEACE OUT.
just imagine the tsunami victims. it didn't feel real about the loss of lives to me mainly because it wasn't so close to home although it was massive. but this one life whom was like actually from my secondary school, it feels more real. and now i can just imagine the grief of those whose lives were lost no matter in the 911 incident, tsunami or hurricane katrina, etc.
the shock of the student population when the news was announced was like.. wow? everyone just sat silently in their places staring into space. i mean like at least i think so cuz i was doing almost that. one day she's here and the next day she's not. oh lord bless her.
well anyway last day of feb. time for some updates. joined bball, had tiring trainings but this is just the start. andddd hopefully chew peng comes to join me (: pass my econs test whee and hoping to pass my enzymes test as well. currently motivated to study hard, play hard and SLEEP hard!
time so read some articles and sleep. nitey.
PEACE OUT.
- Mood:
melancholy
